Condition Blue
By Alex Gradine
By Alex Gradine
GREG DOWNS, the blue detective
ANN TONDRA, the client
MR. BADD, the notorious crime boss
(The play opens in Greg’s office. A sign on the wall reads “THE BLUE DETECTIVE.” GREG takes several pills, leaving the bottles on his desk. He narrates to the audience.)
GREG
The name’s Greg. Greg Downs. Yes, the Greg Downs who broke over a thousand cases in his brief career with the LAPD. And yes, the Greg Downs whose nervous breakdown was the top story of five national tabloid magazines, three major metropolitan newspapers, and an extremely antagonistic Tom Cruise press release. When you work in this town everything that happens to you is news.
(GREG motions to the sign.)
GREG
Now I’m Hollywood’s one and only private eye. Finding the lost cats of the stars. This place is run by the worst sort of people. Mob bosses. Crooked politicians. Disgruntled coffee shop employees. Baldwins. You try working these streets and staying sane.
(ANN enters.)
GREG
This is Ann Tondra, one of Mr. Badd’s floozies. I asked myself what was she doing in my office, and why now? You see, I don’t know it yet, but she’s about to give me the case that will change my life forever.
(GREG walks back to his seat.)
ANN
It’s pronounced “on.”
GREG
Sorry?
ANN
When you were talking to yourself? You pronounced my name “ann.” It’s “on.”
GREG
Oh, sorry.
ANN
Do you usually talk to yourself like that? I mean I’ve heard about your condition…
GREG
It’s, uh, um… it keeps me sane.
ANN
I’m sorry, did I come at a bad time?
GREG
No! Not at all.
ANN
Are you sure? I can come back. It’s nothing urgent.
GREG
Please, tell me how I can help you.
ANN
Okay. Fine. Mr. Badd is trying to destroy the world.
GREG
(To audience) Mr. Badd is a local scumbag. His real name’s Herbert Paisley. He had it legally changed to Badd because he thought it would give him street cred. It didn’t. Usually he’s into the small time stuff. Petty theft and extortion. Sure, once he burned down a TGI Friday’s for accidentally giving him curly fries, but that’s the worst he’s done. I had never believed there was any way he would even try to destroy the world. Unless, of course, he somehow got his hands on a DSX Machine.
ANN
He did.
GREG
I’m sorry?
ANN
You were talking about a DSX Machine?
GREG
Uh… yeah, I guess I was.
ANN
Yeah, he got one. Said he picked it up at a Starbucks downtown.
GREG
(To audience) A DSX Machine is a poorly constructed device that cheesy villains, poor writers and underpaid Pentagon staffers use to try to destroy the world. The Russian war surplus may have the market on decommissioned warheads, but if you truly want to destroy the world, Hollywood’s the place to go. The CIA has trouble finding them because they don’t have any spy satellites pointed at M. Night Shyamalan’s house. When I was still on the force I took down a maniac who had picked one up off the set of Fox’s 24. Mr. Badd could do some real damage with one of these.
(Pause.)
ANN
Are you finished?
GREG
Sorry?
ANN
You were narrating again.
GREG
Oh, I’m sorry.
ANN
No, it’s okay. I mean, I already know what a DSX Machine is.
GREG
I had figured.
ANN
But that was all very interesting.
GREG
Sorry.
ANN
I liked the part about 24. I like that show.
GREG
Yeah. Anyway, how close is he to being able to activate it?
ANN
Don’t worry about it. We’ve got plenty of time.
GREG
Really?
ANN
Well no, he actually just got his hands on the activation codes. But I didn’t want to upset you.
GREG
What?!
ANN
No I mean, it’s okay. I don’t judge or anything, It’s not your fault at all.
GREG
He’s about to start it up?!
ANN
Please calm down, Mr. Downs. I’ve got it all under control.
GREG
I’ve got to go—oh man—breathe Greg, breathe. You can do this.
ANN
I don’t want to stress you out with a case like this. You know, where the world hangs in the balance and all. That would be incredibly insensitive of me.
GREG
What are you talking a—no, you just stay here. Sorry, I’ve got to get over as fast as I can.
ANN
Wait!
GREG
Where’re my keys?
ANN
You drive? I didn’t see a car out front.
GREG
I park around back. Where are my keys?
ANN
Why don’t you park in front?
GREG
There’s only the handicapped spot. Damnit, where did I put them?
ANN
Yeah, why don’t you park in the handicapped spot?
GREG
What? Because it’s for the physically handicapped!
ANN
Exactly.
GREG
I’m not—I don’t have time for this.
(ANN picks up a bottle of GREG’s desk.)
ANN
Says here you’re not supposed to avoid heavy machinery. You shouldn’t be behind the wheels.
GREG
We don’t have time for this!
ANN
Sure we do. You see, I figured we shouldn’t do this down at the Secret Hideout.
GREG
(To audience) Mr. Badd’s secret hideout is a small, darkly lit bar downtown cleverly named Mr. Badd’s Secret Hideout. It’s right across the street from the Courthouse.
ANN
At first I thought it would be okay if I just handled his bouncer.
GREG
You—what?
ANN
I—Hey, did you ever think it might by a Vitamin E deficiency? Maybe you just don’t get enough sun?
GREG
I’m pretty sure-
ANN
Or was it Vitamin C? I always mix those up.
GREG
I think it’s—why the hell are we even talking about this?!
ANN
Geez, you don’t have to snap at me.
GREG
I’m sorry.
ANN
It’s okay. So anyway, I approached Cronie.
(GREG narrates to the audience.)
GREG
Cronie McHenchman. He’s one of Mr. Badd’s most loyal followers. Tough. Nasty. Meanest goon I’ve ever tangled with. (To ANN) So what did you do? Bribe him?
ANN
Nah, I just told him about your condition. He was real sympathetic. So he agreed to help you out.
GREG
He—I’m sorry, he what?
ANN
Well, sneaking past a guard, or worse, fighting past one? That’s got to be a really stressful situation for you.
GREG
…Wha—
ANN
So he tried to restrain himself for you. He broke free though. He almost got away, but then he shot himself in the leg at the last minute.
GREG
He shot himself in the leg.
ANN
I know, wasn’t that brave of him? Before he passed out from blood loss he called the police to come pick him up. He’s probably already in custody.
(Long pause. A car parks outside.)
ANN
Oh! Do you hear that? That’s probably Mr. Badd.
GREG
What? He’s here?!
(GREG ducks behind his desk.)
ANN
Is this part of your-
GREG
Shut up already! What is Mr. Badd doing here?!
ANN
Well, after I took care of Cronie, I talked to him. Told him you were coming.
GREG
You warned him!?
ANN
Well duh. And you know what Mr. Badd said? He said “Well, let’s take the fight to him.” So you wouldn’t have to drive. Wasn’t that nice of him?
GREG
So he’s here now?! Why didn’t you tell me earlier?!
ANN
I was getting there. Please, just calm down, Mr. Downs. We don’t want to upset your—
GREG
For the last time I—
(MR. BADD enters with DSX machine.)
MR. BADD
Mr. Downs. We meet at last.
ANN
That was fast.
MR. BADD
Yeah, I was lucky the handicapped space in front of the office was empty. How come you don’t park there, Greg?
GREG
(To audience) When I heard that Mr. Badd had picked up a DSX Machine in a Starbucks I figured it would be some crappy…
(GREG’s continues inaudibly.)
MR. BADD
Does he usually talk to himself like that? I already know all of this.
ANN
It’s part of his condition.
MR. BADD
Omniscient first person narration?
ANN
Yeah.
MR. BADD
Is he getting enough sun? It could be a Vitamin C deficiency.
ANN
I thought it was Vitamin E. I always get those mixed up.
GREG
…finally redeem myself…(continues inaudibly.)
MR. BADD
Wow, he’s still going. Poor guy.
GREG
It’s over, Mr. Badd! The jig is up!
MR. BADD
I know. I’m here to turn myself in.
GREG
Don’t try to fight—you’re turning yourself in?
ANN
I was about to tell you but then you freaked out on me.
MR. BADD
Yeah, I’m not insensitive. What with your condition and all.
GREG
I—Would you just shut up about my—I don’t---
(GREG pulls a nerf gun out his drawer and points it at MR. BADD.)
GREG
Tell me how to disarm it!
ANN
Is that nerf?
MR. BADD
That is nerf! Where’s your real gun?
GREG
I don’t—I don’t have one.
ANN
Oh… because of your—
(GREG shoots ANN a glance.)
GREG
No, because— look, it’s not important, they just don’t trust me with a gun, okay?
MR. BADD
Yeah, gun control laws can be a real hassle. I’d give you mine but my mandatory waiting period hasn’t ended yet. Now have ya got a pen? The code is four, eight—
GREG
You’re, you’re just going to give me the codes?
MR. BADD
What else am I supposed to do? Resist? Capture you and leave you tied up to some ridiculous death trap that you’d probably escape from to stop me in the nick of time? I don’t want to aggravate your condition any worse that it already is.
(GREG points the nerf gun at MR. BADD.)
GREG
Would you just shut up about my condition?!
ANN
It’s worse than I thought. Here, Mr. Downs, I’ll enter the codes in for you.
GREG
What?
MR. BADD
Well, it’s pretty obvious that you’re in no condition to deactivate a bomb. Why don’t just try some heavy breathing. Maybe count down from ten?
(ANN walks over and begins to disarm the DSX Machine.)
GREG
Wait, so that’s it? What the hell am I even doing here?!
MR. BADD
Well, you are the detective, you know.
ANN
Yeah. It’s just with your condition--
GREG
SHUT UP ABOUT MY FREAKING CONDITION ALREADY!
(GREG frantically waves his gun around, and in the process accidentally fires, shooting the DSX Machine.)
ANN
Hey, it stopped.
MR BADD
Did you just stop the DSX Machine?
ANN
By yourself?
GREG
Yeah. Wow. That felt really good. (To audience) And so it ended. The case that resurrected my career. Mr. Badd is currently serving life for his role in trying to destroy the world.
MR BADD
Actually, we should probably get going.
(MR BADD and ANN exit.)
GREG
Ann Tondra would go on to appear as a stunt double in various James Bond movies, but nobody ever got the joke. As for me? Well, I moved on. Got my old job back. And I couldn’t be happier.
ANN TONDRA, the client
MR. BADD, the notorious crime boss
(The play opens in Greg’s office. A sign on the wall reads “THE BLUE DETECTIVE.” GREG takes several pills, leaving the bottles on his desk. He narrates to the audience.)
GREG
The name’s Greg. Greg Downs. Yes, the Greg Downs who broke over a thousand cases in his brief career with the LAPD. And yes, the Greg Downs whose nervous breakdown was the top story of five national tabloid magazines, three major metropolitan newspapers, and an extremely antagonistic Tom Cruise press release. When you work in this town everything that happens to you is news.
(GREG motions to the sign.)
GREG
Now I’m Hollywood’s one and only private eye. Finding the lost cats of the stars. This place is run by the worst sort of people. Mob bosses. Crooked politicians. Disgruntled coffee shop employees. Baldwins. You try working these streets and staying sane.
(ANN enters.)
GREG
This is Ann Tondra, one of Mr. Badd’s floozies. I asked myself what was she doing in my office, and why now? You see, I don’t know it yet, but she’s about to give me the case that will change my life forever.
(GREG walks back to his seat.)
ANN
It’s pronounced “on.”
GREG
Sorry?
ANN
When you were talking to yourself? You pronounced my name “ann.” It’s “on.”
GREG
Oh, sorry.
ANN
Do you usually talk to yourself like that? I mean I’ve heard about your condition…
GREG
It’s, uh, um… it keeps me sane.
ANN
I’m sorry, did I come at a bad time?
GREG
No! Not at all.
ANN
Are you sure? I can come back. It’s nothing urgent.
GREG
Please, tell me how I can help you.
ANN
Okay. Fine. Mr. Badd is trying to destroy the world.
GREG
(To audience) Mr. Badd is a local scumbag. His real name’s Herbert Paisley. He had it legally changed to Badd because he thought it would give him street cred. It didn’t. Usually he’s into the small time stuff. Petty theft and extortion. Sure, once he burned down a TGI Friday’s for accidentally giving him curly fries, but that’s the worst he’s done. I had never believed there was any way he would even try to destroy the world. Unless, of course, he somehow got his hands on a DSX Machine.
ANN
He did.
GREG
I’m sorry?
ANN
You were talking about a DSX Machine?
GREG
Uh… yeah, I guess I was.
ANN
Yeah, he got one. Said he picked it up at a Starbucks downtown.
GREG
(To audience) A DSX Machine is a poorly constructed device that cheesy villains, poor writers and underpaid Pentagon staffers use to try to destroy the world. The Russian war surplus may have the market on decommissioned warheads, but if you truly want to destroy the world, Hollywood’s the place to go. The CIA has trouble finding them because they don’t have any spy satellites pointed at M. Night Shyamalan’s house. When I was still on the force I took down a maniac who had picked one up off the set of Fox’s 24. Mr. Badd could do some real damage with one of these.
(Pause.)
ANN
Are you finished?
GREG
Sorry?
ANN
You were narrating again.
GREG
Oh, I’m sorry.
ANN
No, it’s okay. I mean, I already know what a DSX Machine is.
GREG
I had figured.
ANN
But that was all very interesting.
GREG
Sorry.
ANN
I liked the part about 24. I like that show.
GREG
Yeah. Anyway, how close is he to being able to activate it?
ANN
Don’t worry about it. We’ve got plenty of time.
GREG
Really?
ANN
Well no, he actually just got his hands on the activation codes. But I didn’t want to upset you.
GREG
What?!
ANN
No I mean, it’s okay. I don’t judge or anything, It’s not your fault at all.
GREG
He’s about to start it up?!
ANN
Please calm down, Mr. Downs. I’ve got it all under control.
GREG
I’ve got to go—oh man—breathe Greg, breathe. You can do this.
ANN
I don’t want to stress you out with a case like this. You know, where the world hangs in the balance and all. That would be incredibly insensitive of me.
GREG
What are you talking a—no, you just stay here. Sorry, I’ve got to get over as fast as I can.
ANN
Wait!
GREG
Where’re my keys?
ANN
You drive? I didn’t see a car out front.
GREG
I park around back. Where are my keys?
ANN
Why don’t you park in front?
GREG
There’s only the handicapped spot. Damnit, where did I put them?
ANN
Yeah, why don’t you park in the handicapped spot?
GREG
What? Because it’s for the physically handicapped!
ANN
Exactly.
GREG
I’m not—I don’t have time for this.
(ANN picks up a bottle of GREG’s desk.)
ANN
Says here you’re not supposed to avoid heavy machinery. You shouldn’t be behind the wheels.
GREG
We don’t have time for this!
ANN
Sure we do. You see, I figured we shouldn’t do this down at the Secret Hideout.
GREG
(To audience) Mr. Badd’s secret hideout is a small, darkly lit bar downtown cleverly named Mr. Badd’s Secret Hideout. It’s right across the street from the Courthouse.
ANN
At first I thought it would be okay if I just handled his bouncer.
GREG
You—what?
ANN
I—Hey, did you ever think it might by a Vitamin E deficiency? Maybe you just don’t get enough sun?
GREG
I’m pretty sure-
ANN
Or was it Vitamin C? I always mix those up.
GREG
I think it’s—why the hell are we even talking about this?!
ANN
Geez, you don’t have to snap at me.
GREG
I’m sorry.
ANN
It’s okay. So anyway, I approached Cronie.
(GREG narrates to the audience.)
GREG
Cronie McHenchman. He’s one of Mr. Badd’s most loyal followers. Tough. Nasty. Meanest goon I’ve ever tangled with. (To ANN) So what did you do? Bribe him?
ANN
Nah, I just told him about your condition. He was real sympathetic. So he agreed to help you out.
GREG
He—I’m sorry, he what?
ANN
Well, sneaking past a guard, or worse, fighting past one? That’s got to be a really stressful situation for you.
GREG
…Wha—
ANN
So he tried to restrain himself for you. He broke free though. He almost got away, but then he shot himself in the leg at the last minute.
GREG
He shot himself in the leg.
ANN
I know, wasn’t that brave of him? Before he passed out from blood loss he called the police to come pick him up. He’s probably already in custody.
(Long pause. A car parks outside.)
ANN
Oh! Do you hear that? That’s probably Mr. Badd.
GREG
What? He’s here?!
(GREG ducks behind his desk.)
ANN
Is this part of your-
GREG
Shut up already! What is Mr. Badd doing here?!
ANN
Well, after I took care of Cronie, I talked to him. Told him you were coming.
GREG
You warned him!?
ANN
Well duh. And you know what Mr. Badd said? He said “Well, let’s take the fight to him.” So you wouldn’t have to drive. Wasn’t that nice of him?
GREG
So he’s here now?! Why didn’t you tell me earlier?!
ANN
I was getting there. Please, just calm down, Mr. Downs. We don’t want to upset your—
GREG
For the last time I—
(MR. BADD enters with DSX machine.)
MR. BADD
Mr. Downs. We meet at last.
ANN
That was fast.
MR. BADD
Yeah, I was lucky the handicapped space in front of the office was empty. How come you don’t park there, Greg?
GREG
(To audience) When I heard that Mr. Badd had picked up a DSX Machine in a Starbucks I figured it would be some crappy…
(GREG’s continues inaudibly.)
MR. BADD
Does he usually talk to himself like that? I already know all of this.
ANN
It’s part of his condition.
MR. BADD
Omniscient first person narration?
ANN
Yeah.
MR. BADD
Is he getting enough sun? It could be a Vitamin C deficiency.
ANN
I thought it was Vitamin E. I always get those mixed up.
GREG
…finally redeem myself…(continues inaudibly.)
MR. BADD
Wow, he’s still going. Poor guy.
GREG
It’s over, Mr. Badd! The jig is up!
MR. BADD
I know. I’m here to turn myself in.
GREG
Don’t try to fight—you’re turning yourself in?
ANN
I was about to tell you but then you freaked out on me.
MR. BADD
Yeah, I’m not insensitive. What with your condition and all.
GREG
I—Would you just shut up about my—I don’t---
(GREG pulls a nerf gun out his drawer and points it at MR. BADD.)
GREG
Tell me how to disarm it!
ANN
Is that nerf?
MR. BADD
That is nerf! Where’s your real gun?
GREG
I don’t—I don’t have one.
ANN
Oh… because of your—
(GREG shoots ANN a glance.)
GREG
No, because— look, it’s not important, they just don’t trust me with a gun, okay?
MR. BADD
Yeah, gun control laws can be a real hassle. I’d give you mine but my mandatory waiting period hasn’t ended yet. Now have ya got a pen? The code is four, eight—
GREG
You’re, you’re just going to give me the codes?
MR. BADD
What else am I supposed to do? Resist? Capture you and leave you tied up to some ridiculous death trap that you’d probably escape from to stop me in the nick of time? I don’t want to aggravate your condition any worse that it already is.
(GREG points the nerf gun at MR. BADD.)
GREG
Would you just shut up about my condition?!
ANN
It’s worse than I thought. Here, Mr. Downs, I’ll enter the codes in for you.
GREG
What?
MR. BADD
Well, it’s pretty obvious that you’re in no condition to deactivate a bomb. Why don’t just try some heavy breathing. Maybe count down from ten?
(ANN walks over and begins to disarm the DSX Machine.)
GREG
Wait, so that’s it? What the hell am I even doing here?!
MR. BADD
Well, you are the detective, you know.
ANN
Yeah. It’s just with your condition--
GREG
SHUT UP ABOUT MY FREAKING CONDITION ALREADY!
(GREG frantically waves his gun around, and in the process accidentally fires, shooting the DSX Machine.)
ANN
Hey, it stopped.
MR BADD
Did you just stop the DSX Machine?
ANN
By yourself?
GREG
Yeah. Wow. That felt really good. (To audience) And so it ended. The case that resurrected my career. Mr. Badd is currently serving life for his role in trying to destroy the world.
MR BADD
Actually, we should probably get going.
(MR BADD and ANN exit.)
GREG
Ann Tondra would go on to appear as a stunt double in various James Bond movies, but nobody ever got the joke. As for me? Well, I moved on. Got my old job back. And I couldn’t be happier.
